Message to Redemption

Hi Redemption,

I do not know where is the appropriate place to write this, so I thought I’d write it here.

I’m sadden to learn the demise of your granddad, dealing with the loss of a loved one is never easy. And I’m confident that your granddad will forgive you, because he knows that you loved him as well, that you felt genuinely sorry in your heart, that you went back to see him during his final days.

When I lost my paternal grandma two years back, my dad cried the loudest at the cremation, strangely enough he was the least close to my grandma and I can only guess that his tears were those of regret. He was not close to my grandma because she could not take care of all her 9 children, so some of her children (like my dad) had to live with his older siblings and I guess he may have been sore about that.

After staying with numerous families, helping to take care of her 34 grandchildren, my grandma’s later years were spent with our family because I was her youngest grandchild in Singapore so we were her last stop. For so many years of selflessly giving herself to her children and grandchildren, and for offering to help take care of my brother and I even though she was not close to my dad, I was thankful to her and performed my duties as a grandson to the best of my abilities, fetching her to my aunt’s place, bringing her out for dinner, for her medical appointments, rushing to her side when she fell….

One night while she was hospitalised, the nurse called after midnight when everyone was already asleep, “your grandma has been placed on the critically ill list”, which is their way of telling you “can go anytime”. Since everyone was sleeping, I drove to the hospital alone and spent an hour holding her hand. She was unconscious throughout my visit, and she would not have known who came. But the visit was not to make her feel better, it was for me to say I’m sorry for not doing enough through the years, remorse filled my heart and I felt I have let her down. When I left the ward, I broke down and cried, because I knew that visit was my farewell bid to her.

Everybody has their own way of saying goodbye, at the wake, my maternal grandma pounded on the coffin glass to ask my demised grandma to get up to play one last hand of cards, their favourite pastime. That thought makes me tear even today. We all need our closure and I was kind of glad that I found mine.

No matter how close or distant we felt to that someone, I still believe that we all feel some sort of regret when we lose a loved one, regret for the things we said or did not say, the things we done or did not do. I know my grandma holds no disappointment in me, it is me who holds such disappointment in myself. Which I guess that’s why I try to be a better person, and cherish the time I have with my loved ones.

Be strong.